adventurings

2010-03-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

i'm currently in the midst of an art project. i'm painting on the front of 2 medicine cabinets. the lady said she wants them to look like paintings. so here goes...

there is a considerable need for confidence when you're an artist. someone may ask if you are capable of doing a project for them, and you have to do look them dead in the eye and say "of course" even if you've never done it before... even if you're not sure you can do it. yup... you have to trust your ability enough to be able to say "yes", even when your insecurities are screaming "um... i don't know... geee, i've never done that before..."
it's also necessary to have boldness. you have to be able to stand your ground and ask for more money than they may want to pay, explaining to them that a painting of such a size is worth this because of: time, materials, your brilliance, and of course, because its going to be worth much more after you've become famous.
all this being said, i had the confidence to say "of course i can paint your medicine cabinets.." but should have asked for a bit more for the project, considering i just spent $30 on supplies. sigh. oh well. another lesson, an interesting project, AND i got to learn about water based polyurethanes wooo

while i was at home depot, i bought an orange pansy... i told the cashier that it needed me. she said it was cute.
i bought valentines stuff at michaels crafts, went there for more yellow oxide colored paint. all of the valentines day leftovers were 90% off... i couldn't help myself. maybe next year i'll have a picture to go in the red and pink enamel heart frame that i only paid 90 cents for.

got home from shopping and immediately re-potted the pansy, while i was at it, i decided to re-pot the basil plant that's been struggling all winter. hopefully it will be happier when it goes outside. i cannot wait til it starts to get warmer. someone told me its going to be in the low 60s on sunday. oh happy happy day!

i've been babysitting a 3 year old boy for the past 3 weeks. it's been a fun adventure, i find my thoughts are more child like because of it, which is a great thing. he got new shoes. they were going to throw out the shoe box, but i snagged it. for some reason it beckoned me to do something with it. i plan on decorating it, but i don't know yet what will go inside. it feels like it should contain valentines, despite the fact that the holiday has long since past (and that when it IS valentines day i despise it altogether), and st patricks day is approaching. oh what to put in the little shoe box... i'm sure i'll come up with something eventually.

joy all bottled up

2010-02-22T08:14:00.001-08:00

confession...
every time i watch the movie Coraline, i have the strong desire to paint my fingernails blue.
i've been babysitting a little boy who's current favorite movie happens to be coraline.
last week i went out and spent $5 on blue nail polish.
it seems like a ridiculous purchase. however, i'm typing this while my electric blue polish is drying, and it has brought considerable joy to my day. maybe it's worth $5 just for that. and it will last me a while... years of joy, all packaged in a little glass bottle. i guess i've never thought of nail polish that way, it always seemed to be an impulse purchase, but i've always loved the crazy colors they've come out with. i'm not sure how many i currently own, but it's probably at least 50. most of them I don't use... some are definite favorites. the ones i don't use are ones that might work for having to dress up professionally, or they're one's that were given to me, or ones that i've had since high school (that was a while ago! haha)

this past weekend i went with a friend to the Edgar Allen Poe museum in Richmond. also got to meet up with a couple friends while i was there... it was a nice trip. i bought a patch to add to my collection, and a book of Poe's Poetry.
I picked up a magazine on Richmond when we stopped at the Virginia welcome center. I found an add that sells chartered hot air balloon rides. Looked up the website, it's $300 for a single person, $250 per person for a couple. God I'd love to do that. It'll happen some day.

today i start eating healthy again. i gave myself a break from the strictness for a couple weeks. my friend Kirk gave me a link to a meal plan program, haven't figured it all out yet... he also stepped me through some exercises that kick my tail. have to start getting up earlier and heading to the gym immediately upon waking. ugh.
trying not to focus on discouragement, need to focus on the benefits of eating healthy, and all the energy and happiness that i get from working out regularly. i want to become someone that loves working out. it can happen, right?
no, i don't want that cookie, may i have an apple instead? oh, i love salads... haha.
goodness.
i guess even if i just change a couple things a day, make a couple wise choices instead of eating what ever i want, it will help. i do tend to work better with some sort of a plan... but counting things doesn't work very well, mostly cuz i lose track.

today, after babysitting, i'm meeting up with a lady that wants me to do 1 or 2 drawings for her. i'm pretty excited about it... i'm definitely needing the business. goodness.
tomorrow i'm heading to Marion to visit my dear friend Jessica, it will be so good to see her! it's been far too long. she quickly became a best friend while in our 2nd year of ministry school, never laughed harder with another human being. was happy for her when she got married, but i've missed her since she's moved away.

seems there's so much i want to work on/work towards. I spend far too much time on facebook. gotta stop wasting the time i have. gonna start making a schedule to follow... maybe that'll help.

ponderings.

2010-02-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

it's been several days since my last entry. I'm still doing the Daniel Fast, I've decided to keep going until February 12th. Which is 40 days, and also happens to be my friend's birthday party. I plan on eating cheese.. you better believe it. haha.
I still haven't lost a whole lot. It's a bit frustrating, knowing that in previous years I typically lost about 30 pounds. This year, so far, I think I've lost about 7.
One of my friends has been losing a lot of weight lately, she looks amazing (not that she wasn't gorgeous before). She said that she had to start forgiving herself for things and then the weight just started melting off, and I have a feeling that might be the key for me as well. Especially after this past season. good heavens.
My most recent relationships haven't been the best. The guys weren't all about drawing me closer to the Lord, that's for sure, and I am very aware now of how easy it is for someone to be pulled/led down a path that they wouldn't normally choose on their own. It's humbling and scary really. And I'm thankful that the Lord didn't let it get so out of control. I want to cling to Him and let me lead me... and yet I'm very impatient. (even though I know His timing is perfect)

I've been struggling with the balance of wanting to be seen, and not wanting to be seen by everyone.
Example:
I went to a club this past week to support a friend that was DJing. A few of us were standing around listening to the music and waiting for her turn, and a very drunk man walked by me and grabbed my ass. I had no idea what to do. Its the first time that has ever happened to me, at least coming from someone I don't know. I was mortified, and pissed all at the same time. (In other words, I don't like being noticed in this way) Thankfully, my friend's HUGE boyfriend went over and told the guy that he wasn't to mess with any of us. And then the guy that was making sure everyone had their hand stamped came over and apologized and promised that it wouldn't happen again. (being protected is a much better kind of attention.)
however, when I go to church (the place that should have a lot of guys that would have the same beliefs as I do) I feel ignored. Or invisible.
How do you connect? How do you get talking to someone? How do you meet someone?
The age old dilemma I guess.
Its not like I want to go to church and get hit on, I certainly wouldn't expect to be standing there and have some guy walk past and grab my ass. But really, the kind of man that I would want to marry would more than likely be at church. It would be extremely ironic for me to find someone of that quality at a bar. How funny would that be?!
And I strongly feel that it's not my place to pursue a relationship, so how do I let it be known that I'm open to one? I realize that we go to church to seek the Lord, but it's also a time of fellowship with others. So what do I do? I joked with a friend about making a t-shirt that says "Available: call...." modeled after the billboards. I'm afraid that it would only attract the type I'm not wanting to attract. Same goes for the idea of a "singles ministry", though honestly, I have been tempted to go to a different church to check out their singles ministry. LOL.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I need to work on some artwork, and go to the gym... i've been slacking.
the sun is out and the snow is almost all melted. hallelujah. I can't wait til spring!

Spirit of Heaviness

2010-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

I decided that thursdays are weigh in days. I only lost a pound this week. I spent the last three days working my butt off helping to paint a random house. I'm tired, I'm sore, and everyday the guys would order HUGE hamburgers, and I would sit there with my granola bar... sigh. I'm thankful I didn't gain weight, I would be giving up for sure if I would have. I don't know if i'm just not drinking enough water or if I need to stop eating peanut butter again or what.. can I just say, admit to you, that I'm really frustrated by this? If I think too much about it I'll go into a tail spin. It took me a week and a half over Christmas to gain 7 pounds (i'm not exaggerating.. this wouldn't be something I would boast about)... how is it that it's taken me 25 days to lose 5?! Oh Lord help me. I know if I give up now I'll just keep gaining weight. And really, this isn't about not loving myself, this is about loving myself enough to know this weight cannot be good for me. It just feels like I'm being punished if I can't have something I want... my body is like a 3 year old at the grocery store that insists that they HAVE TO have that random shiny box of sugar coated goodness or THEY'LL DIE... WAAaaaHHHH!!!! so I'm slapping my inner child and telling her she can color to her hearts content but she's not getting the pop tarts, or the bacon, or the mountain dew... Here dear, have a banana.
I've half jokingly decided that this all can be blamed on the spirit of Heaviness. about 67 pounds of heaviness. LOL. pharaoh pharaoh, oh baby let my people go...! So I'm praying that the Lord releases me from this. It is oppressive, all joking aside. And I'm tired of carrying it around.

on a complete other note...
I woke up this morning from a random dream. My grandma (we called her Nana) was in it, and she bought us all cars. (She passed away in 1999 and I don't remember her ever being in any of my dreams before). I'm not sure what inspired her to buy us all cars, but she decided she wanted to. I saw the car she gave me, and I started crying and gave her a huge hug. I really liked it. I got in it and it had purple carpeting. It was a manual transmission, and didn't have power steering. It seemed like a cool older model car, compact, like it was from europe. I remember thinking about my actual car, and started thinking about car insurance and how i was gonna pay for 2 cars and what state I was going to register the car in... goodness.
what an odd dream. It made me miss her.

guess that's all for now. gotta go grocery shopping, and then off to help move and assemble furniture at a friends house. does that count as "weight lifting"?

mmmm grilled "cheese"

2010-01-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

i didn't blog yesterday, ran out of energy. haha.
spent the last 2 days helping friends paint a house, the project is a bit overwhelming.. so much to do!
made the fake grilled "cheese" sandwich tonight.. was delightfully surprised. if someone switched out kraft slices for veggie slices i don't think i'd be able to tell the difference. it was freakin good. haha. sigh of contentment.
my arms are sore from painting all day. gonna go to bed early tonight. planning on helping out tomorrow too, until it's time for me to go do worship art at church. looking forward to that. :)
guess that's all i have to report today. feeling in a much better place mentally since i've been working hard and spending time with people.

love love

lonliness and ramblings

2010-01-24T15:59:00.000-08:00

woke up this morning and headed to church. sat with a friend and got caught up on what's he's been up to. left church feeling slightly sad, not sure why. didn't really have a plan for the day. got home, checked my email. nothing new to report. no new art clients, no fun letters from friends. fell asleep for about an hour, got up still feeling sad. maybe sad isn't the right word, maybe just lonely. that wretched day that is 2/14 is coming up, and it brings with it an anticipation and hope, and a feeling of expected let down. it's looking like i'll be alone again.
this past year was so odd. It had been 10 years since i had dated anyone and then all of a sudden, I ended up dating lots of guys, or at least going on lots of dates. but this year, nothing. the last relationship i was in, i broke things off on christmas eve. what awful timing huh? it never would have worked.. he lived too far away, and our beliefs were no where near similar. in fact, they were as opposite as they could be. but he was sweet, and i found the decision difficult.
I find i've been tempted to return to previous relationships, just for the sake of getting rid of the gnawing lonely feeling. I get bored and i want someone to hold me and make me laugh. at times i don't even really care who i'd be held by. a scary thing to admit, especially over the internet. lol I've also found that i have this nagging voice in the back of my head saying that i need to lower my standards because i'm being unreasonable.
but the truth is
1. i've made a decision to wait for the right guy
2. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
3. if a guy isn't about protecting my purity, than he's not about loving my heart either. i will not settle, i've waited too long
4. i wish my future husband would hurry the hell up. LOL

for dinner tonight i went and got stir fried veggies and rice. i cheated and ate my fortune cookie. i couldn't help myself. haha! it told me that an unexpected visitor would bring me gifts or something... so friends, and presents... 2 of my favorite things! :)
i went to the grocery store and bought some veggie cheese. its presliced, and it's suppose to taste like chedder. tomorrow i'm going to put it on my brown rice, gluten free bread and make myself a grilled "cheese" sandwich. if you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. haha
i may post a picture of it if it turns out well...

I might go see a movie with a friend tonight, not sure.
i'm hoping tomorrow will be sunny. i'm in need to a long walk outside.
thinking about starting to write comics again, it's been a long while, and it's always good for me to find the humor in situations. found a couple old ones i had started from way back when i lived with liesl... good times.

morning zombie

2010-01-23T09:46:00.001-08:00

i woke up around 10 today. it's almost 1 and i feel like i need a nap haha. i stayed up too late last night, went to Dave and Busters and spent waaay too much time trying to get a stupid watch out of a crane machine. it was in the claw, and it should have stayed, but I think the watch was too heavy so it was dropped. irritating. haha. played some racing games, always a favorite for me. oddly, the one that seemed like it would be the coolest was actually the lamest. go figure. had a good time though. a roommate woke me up to move my car this morning. i was a bit of a cranky zombie, and felt bad about how grumpy i must have sounded/appeared. whomever i end up marrying better like cranky non-morning people, cuz i tend to need a few minutes before i'm anywhere close to human. haha.
didn't really accomplish anything yesterday except going to the gym and doing a load of laundry... not sure if i have much motivation today either. lol. oh Lord help me! ;)

love love

wasting time

2010-01-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning at 9am. i came downstairs and ate breakfast and then headed back upstairs to check my email. i wasted the entire morning on the internet. i checked my email, then i checked my facebook, then i chatted with people and commented on photos and chatted some more, until i realized it was 1pm. good grief.
i made myself get off the internet and go to the gym. 3/5 of a star today.
i know it's essential that i start creating paintings on a regular basis. i've been taking pictures, but paintings are important. the more i create, the more i can sell. so here i am, on the internet again. guess this is all for now.
love love

day 2 - feeling motivated

2010-01-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday i created a poster that looks similar to a board game. each space on the board equals one pound. I'll put a sticker on each pound I lose till I reach my goal weight. I have a long way to go, but you gotta start some where.
I went for a lovely walk yesterday, took some (i think) really nice pictures.
today I went to the gym, ran into a couple friends which is always nice. I started the President's Challenge again, today is day 2 of activity. 3 more days and I get my first star. I'm such a nerd. stars and stickers.. what great motivators!
Guess that's all for now. It's about time for lunch... and then time to work on something creative for the day :)
love love

its january...

2010-01-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

It's 60 degrees, and it's January. Yesterday it felt like spring cleaning needed to be done. I've been so lazy... I had stuff in my car from my trip home to Michigan at Christmas time. I just never made the effort to take it out. my room was also a disaster. I had started to put away Christmas nick-knacks and never fully finished. So yesterday i pulled everything out of the corners and off the floor and piled them on my bed, sorted through them, threw 2 garbage bags of paper/trash (yes 2! yikes!) away, and took my Christmas decoration boxes and gift wrap containers and a few other things downstairs to store on the shelf in the garage. I can now see the back wall of my closet, and my room looks more airy and spacious. ahhh... i even dusted the ceiling fan, which was (by the way) disgusting.
life is always a little crazy.
Last August I began my own free-lance art business. The Lord has been faithful with bringing me clients, friend, family, perfect strangers to commission me to paint something for them. It's been a really interesting experience. Scary at times, as I am BARELY making enough, and really need to make more so I can pay off debt. I'm sorry to say I have debt... ugh, it's such a terrible thing to be in. I always knew I was in danger of being in it, I used to make a whole lot more and would barely squeak by each month, mostly because I would buy stupid stuff. If I could get paid to shop, I would make a whole lot of money ha ha. So anyways, art... It's been really great. I've become more confident in my own abilities, and each time I take on a project, I feel like I get better, which is wonderful.
There's so much for me to be working on, figuring out how to get my name out there, print off business cards, figure out if I need to get a website up and running..
and not just the art stuff, but over all.. I really want to get my act together. To be honest, I feel like most areas of my life are a mess. And it's time for spring cleaning. And not just spring cleaning, but everyday upkeep.
area 1: art business
area 2: weight loss
I have been overweight for majority of my life. Every year I try to make an effort to lose it, and tend to lose some but just can't seem to keep up the intensity, and eventually fall back into old habits, namely eating what ever the hell I want to and sitting on my butt. But I want this year to be different. I started the Daniel Fast on January 3rd. That essentially means I'm eating like a vegan: no meat, no dairy, no wheat, and no peanuts. yesterday I decided to allow myself peanuts, as I don't think I'm getting enough protein. I haven't decided how long I'm going to stick with the Daniel Fast, but I'm wondering if I should stay with it until I've reached my goal weight.. which means that I'm gonna be a vegan for a while. I have 72 pounds to loose. yup, that's right, 72. EEeee gads.
Trying to come up with a plan for getting myself excited about the gym... at least its warm out so I'll want to walk, very excited to go out to the green ways again. :)
I think I'm gonna track my activities on the president's challenge site. For every day of 30 minutes of activity you get a 5th of a star. After 5 days a week for 6 weeks, you get an award. You have to order and pay for the award (I think its a patch or something) which is more than slightly lame, but still.. it's an award. ha ha.

I've also been trying to push myself to do something creative everyday. This may include taking pictures, writing a poem, writing a blog, painting, doing a collage... but I really would like to get myself in the habit of creating everyday. I think it's an important thing, it gets my mind working in the right direction.

alright, I'm off to the gym.

love ya
steph(y)

2009-11-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

its cold out. and its looked like it was going to rain all day. i keep waiting for you to respond.
i've been sitting in my pajamas since i woke up this morning. i made an effort to stop and listen.
i can't decide if the damp chill i feel is because of the weather, or if it's coming from me. i feel like i don't even know you. and worse yet, i don't even know me.
i spent most of the day reading. i managed to get up enough motivation to do laundry. i sit indian style on top of my bedspread. reading someone else's story makes me forget mine for a few minutes at a time. its not that mine is terrible, its just that i'm feeling disappointed. you seemed to have promised that we'd talk. that i'd hear you. that i'd know what's going on, but i sit here in my flannel pants and wait. and the ache and chill return. there have been too many days like this.

come let me love you, come love me again

2008-12-01T19:55:00.001-08:00

i had the strangest song stuck in my head all day today. i don't know if i heard it playing in a store somewhere or if it just popped in there randomly. it's a song by john denver, and i'm not usually one to listen to his stuff (not that i'm opposed to it, it's just usually not the genre i prefer..) i got home tonight with the song still in my head, i didn't know all the words to the song, just the first couple lines, and it felt like maybe i could turn it into a song to the Lord.
i decided to look up the rest of the words (you've got to love google..) and realized that it was really the Lord singing it over me. and i felt all gushy, it felt like tears were about to well up. i've been feeling pretty bad lately, in regards to my relationship with the Lord. i've been neglecting Him, and i've been angry, and have taken most of my disappointments and heartaches out on Him. i realize this is not really the best thing to do, not because He'll decide to hit the "smite" button or anything, but because i'm missing out on Him. revelation about His love, goodness and faithfulness... and the One person that's always going to have my back can't comfort me nearly as much if i'm refusing to talk to Him.
so i guess what i'm getting to is this, He loves me. even when i'm angry, even when i'm disappointed, even when i don't trust Him like i should, even though i didn't know Him for majority of my life.. He's known me and loved me since before the foundations of the earth, and even when i'm being a brat, He's still singing love songs over me.

so here's the lyrics, maybe you'll start to feel all gushy too. :]

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

camping with the home schoolers

2008-10-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

my friend Jessi and i went camping (at Andrew Jackson State Park) this weekend with New Life Church. it was a fun experience. i'm getting to know everyone a little bit better, and remembering more names now... it's nice to be at a place small enough where i can remember at least a few names. i'm not sure if i fit there, i kind of feel out of place, and i don't know if that's my normal "i feel out of place-ness" or if it's the fact that i'm almost 30 (yikes) and i feel like a bit of an abnormality (and i wonder what they think of me) as i'm still single (and went through the public school system), and all the adults there are married and have several children (that they home school). yet i like being around people that have such close-nit families. it's kind of a marvel to me.. normal families to me seem to have become broken/split-up/multiple sets of parents/step-relatives. so really, i look at them in wonder. and it gives me hope.
the weather on friday was cold and rainy. Jessi and i set up the tent before the rain started.. and the church ordered pizza that night, so we all stood huddled in the pavilion eating pizza. when we got back to our site the rain had let up, and we started a fire and made s'mores. it started raining again, so we decided to call it a night, but when we got to our tent, we found a very large puddle had formed inside, and my sleeping bag had gotten wet. so we grabbed our stuff and headed to the car, and slept in our nice dry beds that night (yeah, i'm just not that hard core).

saturday morning i picked Jessi up, and after finding a very LARGE bug in the toe of my boot, (YUCK!!) we headed back to the camp. made coffee once we got there and ate cereal, chatted with a few people and hung up our (pointless) rain fly to dry it off. the sun was out but it had gotten a lot colder, so we stayed mostly by the fire and drank hot chocolate. a couple of the girls (rebecca and tessa?) came over and asked if we wanted to walk around the lake, so we went with them. it was a nice little trail through the woods... and it reminded me a bit of michigan. later some of the girls came back over to see if we wanted to go to the museum, so we headed up there with them, and a couple more met up with us. we walked around in the museum, and a little school house and headed back. some of the parents thanked us for taking them up there, but we told them it was really the kids that took us, haha. the kids were so fun to be around, we really had a good time.
saturday night we decided to stay there, and we bundled up and got into the tent. it took me a while to fall asleep, my legs were pretty chilly, kids were still yelling and the geese were honking, but eventually i was able to sleep. i woke up to the sound of kids talking, and figured it was time to get up and start the coffee. Jessi and i were in charge of breakfast that morning, so i grabbed what we had brought and took it to the Elliot's campsite.
we had a church service at 10, it was a good one... the sermon was about God's provision, something i needed to be reminded about, it blessed me.
later they had "the Great Race" which most of the kids participated in. they split up in teams, and there were different events each team had to complete in order to go to the next one. it was fun to watch. afterwards, Jessi and I felt it was time to go, so we said our goodbyes, and headed home.
overall, it was a great weekend. and i think i'll be sleeping well tonight.

hymns, flamingos, forgetfulness.... i can't screw it up

2008-10-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

i had forgotten about this song... its the last track on a cd i have. it strikes me that i can feel that no one understands, and then realize that someone else has put into words emotions i could never express.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee when sorrows rise
On Thee when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine,
The springs of comfort seem to fail
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet

there are times when i feel entirely out of place (like an ashtray in an ICU, or a pink flamingo in a flock of geese), i guess most of my life i've felt that i never quite fit in, always just outside of the circle, whichever one i was almost in. maybe most of you are shocked by this... it's not as if i don't have friends, dear lovely ones that have spent many hours laughing and crying with me, for me; fighting with and for each other.
i'm realizing that this feeling of not belonging has kept me from belonging. i've been so insecure with whether or not i was allowed to actually be wherever it was that i was, that i could never fully be there, drop the walls down, and open up. there have been people that have been in and out of my life and i never stopped to fully appreciate their friendship and their love. they loved me for everything i was and wasn't, and i never realized it. i guess it's better to realize it too late than to never realize it at all. perhaps it will help me not make the same mistakes again. oh that the walls would come down, that these monstrous walls of insecurity would finally crumble and fall to the feet of the cross.
a dear friend reminded me the other day of a revelation the Lord had given me last year. He said "you can't screw it up, remember?". I had forgotten. I had been shown that despite the enormity of my failings, with all my mess, and all my weakness... none of it was a match for the strength of the Lord. i had somehow come to believe that my weakness was stronger than the Lord's strength... that i could somehow mess up the Lord's will and plan for my life through my own weaknesses (even though i desire His will to be done). and somehow i forgot, and i started to believe it again. what a lie! what rubbish! His strength is made perfect through my weakness, He gets more honor and glory from the power that He works through me because of my weakness. i can't screw it up. you can't screw it up!

coughing and costumes

2008-10-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

after a week of coughing like a crazy person, i'm finally getting better. i've watched far too many movies, and took at least one 3 hour nap per day, one day i took 2 naps, and still slept for 11 hours... goodness. i did, however, try to do something productive, so i started knitting a scarf, which is pretty much complete except for the yarn that sticks out on the sides when you change colors...
i have to work today. 2:30-11. i skipped church so that i could sleep in, i waver between pushing myself too hard (like last monday), and being too easy on myself. eventually i will find a balance. today i think i made the right decision.
i got an email from my mom saying that they went to the cider mill. i miss going there. it's so fun.
and i'm still trying to decide what i should dress up like for halloween. (we're allowed to dress up at work.. it's the best) one year i was a pirate, just so i could say "welcome to stARRRbucks" yeah, i know, cheesy. but, it's the little things in life.
i can't do anything too fancy, as i don't want to ruin my costume, or get glitter in anyone's latte (eww).
so if anyone has any ideas for me, let me know. :]
also, my creative release homegroup is starting up soon (thursday October 23rd at 7:00pm)
its going to be focusing on simple creative projects and helping people express themselves (even if they've never considered themselves to be creative)
let me know if you're interested in coming or just need more info.
we will probably be carving pumpkins as one of our first art projects. yeay!

feels like everything is held together by a thread

2008-10-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

faded orange yarn hair held back with a brown ribbon
the little rag doll sniffs, as another tear drips down her already wet face.
she wishes she could be made of more sturdy stuff, like stainless steel...
precise, and cold, instead of held together by thin yellow thread.
she was lovingly knit together, beautifully, delicately made...
but today it feels like the seams are coming apart, and there's no one around to stitch her back together.
she wasn't made for this, her face hot from the shame of another tear falling.
"pull yourself together" she tells herself, "everyone will see you and they'll know what you really are.."

awake

2008-09-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

it's 4:25am. i have to be at work at 9:30. i'm restless. although my body is exhausted, i can't seem to make my mind calm down enough to fall back asleep. it keeps searching for things to think about, and situations that i cannot change.
it's beginning to feel like fall, and i wonder if there will ever be a time when i won't brace myself for the sadness that inevitably follows, as though it's carried on the wind that brings the rain and snow.
november 16th marks 22 years since dad passed away. 8 days after my 8th birthday.
i read a book earlier this year called "the Shack", the author must have had something similar occur, he depicted emotions so well. there was much healing that took place in me while reading the book, and some experiences after that led to further healing. He talked about "the Great Sadness", how it was ever present in the heart of the main character. It resonated with me. Since reading the book, and the healings that followed, "the Great Sadness" only visits, it no longer dwells in me. i find myself surprised by it now.
The Lord settled in my heart this year that my dad is with Him. He's whole and healthy, and peacefully, joyfully fishing (apparently it's great there). The Lord also made clear to me (in a dream about dad, the first one i've ever had) that He had given my brother everything he needed in ordered to be wholly whole, fully a man, not lacking in anything. I find myself wondering if i'm still lacking, being 2 years younger, did i miss out on what i needed? but yet, would the Lord not give me everything that i need? that would go against His word, and it would surely go against His heart for me. i find that i've had what i've needed the whole time (in the form of a loving step-father), i just didn't realize it.

i'm praying that work goes quickly tomorrow.. i get cranky when i'm sleep deprived (a weakness of mine), and serving caffeine dependent people their intricately ordered lattes can be difficult even on a full night's sleep. but i am counting tips tomorrow, so that will count for 3.5 of my 8 hours there. and maybe they will have me do some art work, we're introducing a new beverage soon, though i'm not sure when the launch date is.
i wish that i liked working with people more, (haha, to be honest, i wish that i liked people more). there are days when i love it, but there are days when i find it so draining.

i've made new friends recently, and they've been unknowingly pushing me forward in my walk with the Lord. a church i've been attending (though seemingly small, and insignificant) houses great giants of the faith. people whom i am astonished by. men and women of prayer and passion, people who have given up years of their lives to further the work of the kingdom, and continue to press on humbly. i pray that i would one day be a woman of such stature. i find myself asking the Lord again and again, "Teach me how to pray". My heart doesn't break nearly enough for the lost, for the hurting and broken, for the confused, for Your bride. I'm selfish by nature, i like to be comfortable, i don't like to be stretched.. and still the Lord lovingly pushes me forward. gently woos me. and i want to love Him more. i want to trust Him more.

Teach me how to pray unceasingly. until it's more natural than breathing.